


Releasing the Flames

by PendragonQueen09



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Crying, M/M, confusion over weed, idk lol, mentions of weed, questionably good ending, unrequited feelings, weed negativity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PendragonQueen09/pseuds/PendragonQueen09
Summary: Janus loves Remus, and Remus doesn't feel the same.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Releasing the Flames

**Author's Note:**

> Any warnings are in tags!

"You're a pretty singer," he said, and Janus' world caught fire.

"I'm-" the snake choked a little, but it was such a soft moment- he wasn't blushing, but a warm,  _ loved _ feeling rose in his chest. "Thank you," he said in a hushed voice, a smile adorning his features, and Remus smiled back- manic and uncontrollable.  _ Fun,  _ in the best and worst ways. He sang along to the song around the fire with Janus, loud and out of tune. Boisterous and fantastic, his dyed hair flashed in the light. 

It was a spark in the form of a compliment- the worst kind. The kind of spark that started wars, that lit bombs and leveled cities.

It was months later, practice night for the play. "Can you do my eyeliner," Janus had asked Remus, because he's seen the other's makeup- he knows asking Remus is asking for a quality product, and Remus delivers. He's got his knee braced between Janus' spread legs, separated by the bench, and Remus' hands are on his face- holding his cheek steady, not that Janus would move unless asked. And Remus pulls back, just slightly.

"You're really pretty," he says, lighting a match on the spark, and Janus blinks his eyes open, his brows furrowing in confusion. Remus just smiles and tells him to close his eyes again, and Janus obeys, ignoring the fluttering in his chest. 

It was comment after comment, like that.

Janus lost track, but every one lit the flame more, until it was nearly unbearable. His heart had become kindling, and he  _ burned _ for the other,  _ ached  _ for everything he did, near  _ sobbed _ at every word he said in pure joy at hearing his voice.

"I love you," Janus tells him weeks down the line, once he's sorted through it all- once he's realized how he feels. Once it's sunk in that he won't get over it without telling him. "Just- reject me, please, so I can get over this silly crush."

And Remus blinks like he's been caught in a headlight- like he's horribly confused over it, unsure of what to say for a moment, and Janus has  _ never _ known Remus to be someone with nothing to say, so it terrifies him a little.

"I'm sorry," he says. "But I don't… I don't feel that way for you. I just think of you as a friend."

And it  _ hurts.  _ God, it hurts worse than he imagined, even though Janus knew it was coming. Who could love him? Never the ones he loved first, never the ones he fell for. What was wrong with him? But he laughs it off. "That's alright, I didn't think you would," he says, as if he hadn't been hopeful. As if the clear flirting from the other hadn't pushed him further along and down this rabbit hole. It was his own fault, for getting attached.

He cries himself to sleep that night, and the night after, writing poetry-  _ poetry _ \- as he imagines a life with Remus. Realistically, would he even date him? Would he even be willing? Or would Janus end up breaking his heart, realizing his exuberance was just too much for him? He didn't know. All he knew was that he loved him, but love wasn't stable.

Still Janus yearned for that life with him, wishing for more than he had.

"Oh, I should give your sweater back-" Remus said after a night spent together with friends under the stars. He'd been so cold, of  _ course  _ Janus had offered it. That, and a blanket. Or two. He'd done a lot of running, and it was worth it.  _ Remus _ was worth it.

He really couldn't get over him, no matter how he tried. Some part of him- the hopeless romantic, he supposed- thought they must be  _ meant  _ to be, for him to love Remus so, but he knew that couldn't be the case, or else Remus would love him as well.

"Keep it, it's alright," he said, and it was his favorite sweater. How awful was that? He was just content and willing to give away his favorite sweater to someone who didn't love him back.

When Remus was gone, he cried again. He was a glutton for punishment, apparently- to give away the things he loved most to the person he loved the same. To lose all that he loved at once, breaking him to pieces that much faster.

"Hey guys, guess who isn't single anymore~" Remus chirped as he pranced into the house from outside one day, finally joining the group of friends a little late for the scheduled get-together, but the words had Remus' match doused in water. It was  _ soaked,  _ and yet still flickering- why,  _ why  _ was it still flickering? Why did the fire continue when there was no oxygen, and it was smothered?

Everybody seemed speechless, and Remus blew out a puff of air. "... it was a joke," he mumbled, and they didn't know how to react to that, either. 

For those brief seconds, Janus had been jealous. Horribly, awfully jealous of who had finally managed to win Remus' heart. Jealous to the point of murder, jealous to the point of pain, and he cried that night, too. Every time his tears were shed, they were for Remus. 

It would hurt less to stop feeling.

"I love you," he told him again, a year later, and now it was getting uncomfortable, it had to be. "That's why I need space. You are impossible to get over- impossible to ignore." 

"It's been almost a year since you said that," Remus breathed uncertainly, nose scrunching, and Janus had to look away. 

"And it's still true."

"But we never got to have that sleepover, we can't just- stop being friends," Remus pouted, and Janus was trapped as the flame burned brighter, consuming him in entirety.

"... we can still hang out, just not alone. I don't think-" Janus choked on a breath, "I don't think I'll be okay if we're alone." He didn't think he'd be okay if they were with someone, either. He was so in love, it hurt. But he lied, because the sad look on Remus' face was far more unbearable than the pain of knowing he didn't feel the same. "Space." He said, as if he thought this would be enough.

"Space," Remus repeated with a smile, because practically nothing would change. 

Most of Janus' new information about Remus then came from Roman. He desperately wanted to tell the twin to not talk to him about Remus, to leave him out of their conversations… but he couldn't. It hurt to love him, but it hurt more to pretend he didn't- and to distance himself from everything Remus.

"He started doing drugs, and I can't get him to stop," Roman confessed hopelessly one day. "I just- I don't get it. I'm here for him, we can do other things to make him happy, but now he's like… addicted to weed. And I can't-" his head in his hand, he lamented, "I love him so much, and I don't know what to do to help."

"I don't think you can do anything," Janus murmured. "He is an adult, he's making his own choices."

"He's wasting  _ money.  _ He's wasting his  _ life _ ."

Janus stuck out his lips as his chest seized a little, wishing he were closer- wishing he could help Remus. His heart fluttered in his chest like a frightened wild bird. "It's his choice," Janus repeated. "I don't know enough about weed to say it's a bad one, either. Just- let him make his own choices. He is not you, he is his own person. He has no obligation to listen to us."

"But you agree?" Roman confirmed hopefully. "You think he should stop, right?"

Janus hummed in thought, like the answer wasn't a resounding yes. The flame flickered for the first time, and the brief moment of freedom was the most relaxed Janus had felt in over a year. "I think it's his choice," he said once more, and Roman groaned in annoyance.

Remus was his own person.

"He is not required to love me," Janus breathed to himself, lying back in bed, the room pitch black with the night. The words finally settled something in his chest- an expectation of sorts. 

It was unhealthy to dwell so much on one person, unhealthy to allow them to use you, simply in the name of love. A heart could not be bought or earned. Remus heard no click because Janus had heard a snap- but all relationships were meant to be even, and Remus had pushed where Janus had pulled. The snake had already foiled his chances, now he was simply stuck clutching the end of a rope that Remus had set on fire, waiting for the end to reach him and burn his hands,  _ hoping _ for that last bit of contact in this burning relationship.

Janus forced himself to drop the match, drop the rope, and his flame finally flickered into nothing.

There would be other sparks, after all. Flames that were warm to the touch- comforting instead of scalding, instead of icy and terrifying. However difficult it was to let go of this love, it wouldn't be the last- and if he continued to let his hands burn and freeze, clinging to the ones he didn't want or couldn't have, they may end up too damaged to hold the rope in the first place.

Too damaged to light the match on a spark that someone set.

The darkness was terrifying and lonely, but still it was better than waiting to be burned for the sake of a nightlight.

Janus closed his eyes, and finally decided that darkness wasn't so bad.


End file.
